Leading By The (Wrong) Example

Personally, my work as a nanny never truly ends when my shift is over. I constantly think, plan, and reflect on how to nurture my nanny children that’s conducive to their growth as a whole human beings—especially during the testing times when they’re pushing boundaries just to see how far can they go. Although these moments are challenging, I love having the opportunity to creatively navigate these normal phases.

For example, I once cared for a toddler who loved to shriek so loud it pierced your ears. Instinctively, we would want to raise our voice and ask him to not shriek, right? But I realized in doing so, I wasn't setting an example of what I would like from him and instead, I contributed to the chaos. After scratching my head on how I can ask him to lower his volume but not quiet his fire, I had to make a conscious effort to do the exact opposite. So when he would shriek, I would whisper softly inviting him communicate what he needed. The contrasting disparity in volume required him to quiet down and listen carefully to what I was saying. And lowering the overall noise of the room, which is what we wanted after all.

Once I had figured out this approach, I began to think, what other ways have I, as a caregiver, led by the (wrong) example? Until I caught myself at the park with my nanny child grabbing a toy from his friend. In an attempt to address the situation, I went over and grabbed the toy from his hands and gave it back to the friend it belonged to. But what did I do wrong there? I did exactly what he did to his friend, to him. I’m sure it sent a confusing message to my nanny child. Why isn’t it okay for him to grab a toy from someone, but it’s okay for me to do to him?

So I, once again, had to make a conscious effort to slow down and use this as a teaching moment, for the both of us. Now when it happens with any of my nanny children, I get down to their level and calmly say to them that grabbing things out of people’s hands is not okay, and ask them to give the item back. And if they refuse and start to walk away, I gently hold them from behind and repeat myself and wait patiently for it to register. It’s better to have them process it and willingly give the item back, but of course there are times when they’re unrelenting. That’s when I explain to them that I’m going to help them with this process and take the item of their hand and give it back.

At the end of the day, I want my words and my actions to match because I have eager eyes watching and learning from me, from us childcare providers*. Children’s minds are sponges observing and absorbing what we say but especially, what we do. So by ensuring our actions align with our teachings, we cultivate not only their behavior but their character. After all, we are not just shaping who they are today—we are influencing who they will become tomorrow.

*childcare providers: anyone who take care of children, whether it’s mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, neighbors, nannies, teachers, etc.